From Me to You, No Holds Barred.

This was one of my first posts. It was put up on craigslist.org on the 31st of October, 2006. The Ex and I had officially broken up on Oct 16th, and I had sunk into severe depression. I remember wondering at the time why I was so devastatingly upset, being that it wasn't the first time we had broken up. After experiencing a wave of intense nausea one morning, I got thinking about the recent chain of events, and decided to take a pregnancy test. Well, that explained it; On the 24th of October, my pregnancy test came out positive... Things sort of escalated after that. After I informed him, it was obvious that he wanted nothing to do with it, so an abortion was decided and agreed upon. I wrote this post one slow morning at work... I was upset and mad, and I desperately needed to vent.

Originally Posted on October 31st, 2oo6.

I'm not going to sit here and act like it doesn't hurt. Like I don't feel it... I act one way on the phone and when I see you, but the minute I'm by myself, holding back the tears is almost impossible. It's all still very fresh, so the wound is too... I'm not a kid, I know time heals all. I'm aware that one morning, I'll wake up and feel like me again.... I'm aware that one night, I'll put my head on my pillow to the realization that you haven't crossed my mind one time all day... I know these things. Still doesn't make handling this pain any better though... you know? Everywhere I look is something that reminds me of you. We've done so much together over the years that I'd probably have to leave the state to find one thing that wouldn't send all these thoughts and memories hurtling through my mind... So yes, I do feel it... and yes, it hurts. Like all fucking hell, it hurts.

So next Friday's the day... The 10th. A fitting date. The appointment is at 3:30pm, and I've been told to expect to be there about 4-5 extra hours. You inform me that you've taken the day out of work to "be with me", and I simultaneously want to laugh in your face and smack you hard as you say that. "Be with me"... what does that mean? You hold my hand, look me in the face and tell me that "things will be different" after this... We'll start to fix us. You tell me we'll forget about the past and start all over. "We'll sit and have a talk", you tell me... "A serious talk"... You tell me you love me over and over, and start to tell me about how different things with us will be... about how we'll "leave the past in the past", and start something new, something fresh... It's apparent to me as I watch you speak that you actually do believe this bullshit you're spewing. You hold my face in your hands and rub it tenderly as you tell me how much you love me... how you know I'm a good woman, and you're lucky to have me. You tell me that you know things are really tough for me right now, but reassure me that if we start working on things now, we'll be "back" in no time at all... You see me start to cry, and you gently rub my tears away even as you reassure me that we're doing the right thing. "The timing is waay off right now baby"... "I love you and I want to have babies with you, but we need to fix us first baby".... "Baby, think about how impossible a feat it'll be... trying to rebuild us as we deal with your hormones right now..." You go on and on, rephrasing the same sentence in a million different ways. The entire conversation is so cliché that I wonder even as I cry; if this is something you're aware of... how... 'typical' you sound...

Ok, so let's do a brief overview here. You and I have been together for 3.5 years. In those years, what are THE monumental issues that we’ve had to deal with thus far? The ones that have come close to ripping us apart time after time?

Your incredibly addictive personality... You've been using some drug or the other since we've met. I sat in bed the other day trying to remember when the last time was that you and I hung out without you being under some influence... It'd be when we first met. Somehow or the other, Pot and alcohol have become part of your monthly budget. Things you calculate into your 'monthly expenses'. I justified it by telling myself that Pot never killed anyone, and 'IF' I put my foot down and asked you to quit, you would. Then came the pills. At first, it was "fun"... "Something to do". Looking back now, I never thought to ask why of all the things you could "do", you chose pill popping. Still, I told myself that it was just boredom and self indulgence.. "After all, he only takes them on weekends, right?". You pointed out to me that when you buy them, you don't hoard them and take a pill a day... No. Not you... you're WAY too smart for that... You'd buy 10 pills and take them all at once. This, you reassured me, was THE only way to take narcotic pills recreationally... "Take them all at once, and only on weekends". When you take them during the week, it's because "you're stressed", or you "want to relax"... sometimes, it's because you "have a lot of work to do", and seem to think clearly with pills in your system... Is this before or after you start to nod out?... So yes, it's been a year and a half of solid pill popping. Granted, you don't take it everyday like "an addict", but can you honestly remember the last weekend you didn't?...Let's see... yeah, about a year and a half ago. Not to mention the fact that taking 'em once or twice during the week is now the norm as well... when I bring these facts to your attention last month, you get defensive and tell me you resent the fact that I'm implying that you're a 'druggie'. No. I didn't say that... not at all. You said the word, not me... I'd just like to point out though, that the last time you went a week and a half without taking any pills, you felt the need to buy some more to "reward yourself" for a job well done... Think about that. Should we get into the alcohol? How even though you haven't been drunk enough to worship that porcelain god in about a year, you still drink every single day? How you argue that it's a 'guy thing' to drink about 3 beers a night?...

Your lies. I've come to find out that in the 3.5 years I've been with you, you've lied to me about pretty much everything I've ever asked you. You lie about work, you lie about your parents, you lie about other females, you lie about your friends... you lie about everything. I'm not even going to start on the individual lies you've told, and their impact on our relationship, but you and I both know what they are. These lies have caused MAJORITY of the problems that we have in our relationship because things have gotten to the point where I do not believe one solitary word that comes out of your mouth. You've sworn on our relationship, your dad, your mom, your siblings... everything and anything to prove the authenticity of what you're saying at that very moment.... come to find out that it's a good thing God doesn't take such things seriously... we'd all be dead.

I sit and think back on the past years, and I realize that I've accomplished absolutely NOTHING since meeting you. Not one thing. If possible, I regressed... You on the other hand, wow... You've come a long way haven't you? You're no longer that boy with insecurities and low self esteem. No longer that 'wigga-like' delinquent with the doo - rag and baggy clothes. Remember? I do. How everyone in your family had given up on you? Your mom wouldn't even speak to you... Your dad supported you, but looked at you with disdain and embarrassment. You were the one in the neighborhood that parents pointed at and threatened their kids with; "See what happens if you don't do well in school?"... "Look at that... such a waste"... yet here you are today... no more 'wigga like' attire for you (no sir!), we're rocking Old Navy, The Gap, and Polo... You can do no wrong in the eyes of either parent now... You even have your mom calling you to ask advice about your brother Doug when he acts up... your dad? Wow. I'm quite certain that if he was to get a picture of you nodding out with a beer bottle in one hand and empty pill bottle in the other, he'd swear it was Photoshopped... You've hidden it very well from everyone haven't you?... Now when you're upset, it's me... I'm the one who's "holding you back"... "stressing you out with my nagging"... My God, if they only knew.

So here we are ... years later, and I'm pregnant with your child. I tell you over the phone and your reaction floors me completely. I'm crying hysterically, and you're oh so calm. Wow. My entire life has been pulled apart right before, and I find myself in that position that a million and one women before have found themselves... I have nothing. Almost 4 years of putting up with your shit, 4 years of dealing with everything, and I'm left with nothing... I stayed all those years because I love(d) you... Because I thought that I was 'building' something. Because subconsciously, I thought that after 4 years of dealing with continuous bullshit, I'd EARNED the right to certain things. I'm 28 years old... 29 in May... We had this talk a couple of months ago, and you were fine with it. I told you how I'd want to have all my babies by 30. "Definitely honey", you purred... "I agree...". You promised. I look back now and realize that there's absolutely NOONE to blame for all this but myself. No one. I didn't have to stay... I knew that.... I just... "thought", I guess. That sounds really stupid now, doesn't it? I think it does. So I listen your bullshit, and try to stop myself from freaking out and ripping your cold heart out... I want to shake you so bad... I want to pummel you... I want to demand my 3 years back... *sigh*. Lots of things I want to do.

How? How are you able to sit there, look me in the eyes and say these things? How? Don't you have a conscience? A heart? You're able to see a future 'with' us AFTER the abortion, but not without it... Are you really that stupid or do you just not care/know? Do you really think it possible that I'd want to have even the slightest to do with you after this? To have you touch me? Kiss me? Do you think I'd want to waste another fucking second with you after this? Do you???!!! You repulse me.... oh my God, do you repulse me. Everything about you just sickens me right now, but I'm patient. I'll wait... My hormones are all fucked up right now, so everything makes me upset... everything makes me cry... I'm extremely vulnerable... Wait till Friday... Wait till after Friday... I know you, I know your weaknesses, I know everything about you, and I intend to use them to my advantage.... I'm not sure how just yet, but oh my goodness, will I get you back... Your life, your world, I will watch it all fall apart before my fucking eyes, and I will enjoy every second of it... What you think you have? What you're sure you have?... I'll show you what it feels like to lose everything you've worked for for years... You know, my sister always told me that it'd take something huge to get me to see you for what you really are... It's just unfortunate that it had to be this huge.

I guess in a round-about way, I owe you some thanks. Reading this post back, I ask myself if in the long run, I’d really want a baby with a person like you. If I’d be willing to have my child have YOU be the male influence in his/her life growing up… Still though, I think I’d be doing you a favor by teaching you how NOT to treat people. I’ll be doing you a favor by having you understand that when you take people for granted, feelings get hurt… yeah…

I've asked myself numerous times if it's my hormones making me think this way. If I really do want to see you with nothing... Would I be able to live with myself if I fucked you royally?... I think so. Somehow or the other, I think I'll be ok. If not, I'm content to cross that bridge when I get to it. In the meantime, relax, and lean back. Smile at me and I'll smile back. Keep trying to channel your asinine enthusiasm and contriving hope through to me... I'll nod and tell you "I get it"... You're so clueless and confident in your own imagined skill that you'll take it all in... Then just when you're comfortable again... just when you think it's all ok... your entire life as you know it will crumble. These are not grand words... this is not an attempt for attention... You don't even read these things. This is just me writing my thoughts... So it begins... and you won't have a clue. Not a fucking clue... I didn't have to stay for all that while, but I did and that should count for something. So wait for your comeuppance, because it's inevitable now... You'll get what you deserve... that's MY word.