Reflections

This was my most recent craigslist post. I think it's self explanatory.


Originally Posted on December 7th, 2006.

How do you know when you find true love? how can you tell? What is it that tells you that 'this' one... 'this' man/woman is the one you're meant to spend the rest of your life with? How do you know this?, and when you find it, do you wish it sometimes would come with a trouble shooting manual? Something that would tell you not only ‘what’ was wrong/broken, but ‘how’ to fix it? *sigh*… don’t we all.

My ex boyfriend and I broke up a couple of months ago... After 3 and a half years together. When we first met, I remember how we'd lay in bed night after night unable to sleep because we were so... 'excited' about being together. I remember that for months after we met, I'd watch him sleep and marvel at how lucky I was... I'd rub his head and thank God for sending me this... this.. angel... It was nuts. I couldn't get over how 'alike' and 'in tune' we seemed. We found the same things funny, we liked the same movies, we talked the same way... It was uncanny how alike we were, and it didn't stop there. We shared the same views on pretty much everything. We liked the same music, the same artists, and I remember how we'd lay there for hours just listening to song after song.

My son was almost 3 when we met, and I had been a little nervous about how he'd deal with this new addition to our life... Wow. It was like a freaking Danielle Steele novel, because my son just loved him, and they got along like a house on fire. We were like a '3 member Brady family'... It was great. We were happy... we did things together... We were our own little.. 'family'. I mean, I wish I could put into words the feelings that I felt for him. I'm not a child.. I'm in my late 20s, so I had just turned 25 when we met. I'd been in relationships before... I'd been in "love" (and I use that term loosely) before... but not like this. This...? This felt right... I'd never felt so comfortable, so at peace with anyone, like I did with him.... It was truthfully amazing... I remember that there was this distinct feeling I used to get every time he walked in the door... I remember that feeling VERY well. He'd walk in, I'd hear the door slam, and wherever I was, my heart would literally ... 'lift'. I know... that sounds crazy and corny all in one, but it's true... I don't care what mood I was in, how upset or mad that I was before he walked through that door... The very 'minute' I heard him walk in, everything would seem fine... just everything.

Well, in the 3 and a half years we stayed together, it's safe to say that we had our share of problems... Oh my God, did we ever...! Big ones, small ones, petty ones, major ones... we had 'em all. Sometimes we'd have them in rows... You know? One thing after another thing, after another thing, after another thing... and sometimes?... Sometimes we wouldn't have them at all... and it was 'these times' that made EVERYTHING worth it... I have to say here that I realize how dumb I probably sound right now... how... 'ditzy'. Well, I'm not... not anymore... I'm just writing things as they were, and just because it 'sounds' like it couldn't have happened, doesn't mean it didn't.... There’s something about looking into someone’s eyes and actually 'seeing' the love in them... there’s something about laying in bed with someone, and having all your body parts 'fit' like they were meant to be there from the very start. There’s something about having someone 'know' you, almost as well...sometimes better, than you know yourself... There were a lot of 'somethings' with him and I. A lot.

People noticed it everywhere we went... His family... my family... my son... we were just 'special'… I seriously think that this feeling had a lot to do with the demise of us… of what we had, because we were so busy being and feeling ‘special’, that we sort of neglected ‘keeping’ us special… does that make sense?

Let’s see… This is probably going to suck, but hey…I’m terrible at things like this, so please bear/work with me. You walk into Tiffanys and purchase THE most expensive diamond necklace they have... take it home, and stare at it lovingly for a while... You sit there and marvel at how 'sparkly' it is, and how nice it looks against your throat... Occasionally, you hold it up to the light, and feel your jaw drop in awe at how it glistens, and how the light bounces off each and every rock…You wear it out, and proudly show it off to anyone and everyone who cares to look... If they don't look, you find a way to flaunt it in front of them... Yes.. It’s beautiful, expensive, and its all yours... no one else’s.

Time passes; things change... oh, but let's not forget what they say, huh? 'A diamond lasts forever'... Right? Well, what happens if as time passes, you don't take as good care of that necklace as you did when you first got it?... You wear it to party after party.... event after event... Sometimes, when you get home, you're so tired that you can't really be bothered to put it away.. you know? You leave it laying on the dresser a couple of times... even more time passes, and other things start to happen... You drop it a couple of other times... your toddler who's attracted to anything shiny, grabs it, attaches it to his Tonka Truck, and attempts to use it as pulley... Eventually, it starts to lose some of its sparkle... right? I mean, don't get me wrong, a diamond is a diamond, and with a little cleaning at the local jeweler, it can be looking good as new again... but who has time for that? Life has sort of taken over, hasn't it? You still love it...occasionally, you work yourself into a righteous fit, dig it out from under whatever it's buried, and attempt to clean it yourself... If that doesn't work, you 'do' take it to the jewelers and he 'does' do his magic, and before you know it, good as new! You'll take better care of it this time, you swear to yourself. You pull your toddler into your bedroom, and point at the necklace sitting in its case, as you vehemently tell/warn him not to EVER touch it again...

"Wait!".. I hear you thinking as you read this;...”You’re being ridiculous! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO A DIAMOND NECKLACE"... maybe... maybe not, but my point is this: I don't care how 'special' something is... How 'pretty'...how 'expensive' it is... If you don't take care of it, it'll lose its allure, and sometimes, its worth. NOTHING is invincible... and nothing stands a chance of longevity without the proper care... Nothing... I don't care how precious it is, how rare, how durable... everything requires some sort of maintenance... you neglect that; you lose it... simple and short.

It isn't always this dismal though... sometimes you luck out, and are able to catch and fix your relationship before it gets too bad... You notice the slippery slope of failure you're headed down on, and work together to do some major damage control, you know? You each stop, reassess things and decide together what the next step is to take...things usually works out well after that, because you have a new appreciation for things… You treat each other better, love each other a little more... your hugs are a little more meaningful now, because you realize how dear that ‘being’ you're holding is to you....that kind of thing... If this is you... God bless... you lucked out and saved yourself some major pain.

Most people aren't that lucky... they never realize what they're losing until they've lost it, and when they do realize that it's gone... they refuse to accept it, and out of panic and desperation, attempt to get it back... They start doing things they should have done months (even years) before... *sigh*... Again, sometimes it works, MOST times, it doesn't. No? You don't think so? I do... When my boyfriend and I first broke up, I REFUSED to accept it...I couldn't. I just couldn’t' see how we could be 'done'.. you know? "No, not us...", I'd say over and over... I'd tell myself that it was a temporary thing, and that we'd be back together soon... well... we didn't, we haven't... we're not.

I'm in a much better place than I was a couple of months ago... much. I feel healthier and I feel stronger. Do I miss him? Of course I do... very much. He was my "baby", and its safe to say that I would have given anything for him. I miss him so much sometimes, it hurts, you know? I miss the little smart ass comments he made about everything… I miss his sharp wit… I miss the way he’d throw his head back and laugh heartily, if he found something funny enough… I miss having him next to me at night… I miss going to breakfast or dinner with him… I miss standing in front of the ‘Redbox’ machine with him, as we tried to decide what movies to rent…I miss talking to him in the car… I miss watching Law & Order with him… watching Entourage with him… going to the movies… I miss how we’d go outside to the porch to smoke, and how he would stand right in front of me, so I could lean into him… the intimacy we shared… the friendship… I miss him… us.

To point fingers now at who 'was wrong', or who's fault it was, would be just plain dumb... Absolutely nothing good can come out of shit like that... Even though he and I are done now, I guess I can say I learned a thing or two from this whole experience... you know? I know to express my feelings better in my next relationship... I know to let him know (whoever he is) how important he is to me... I know to let the little things go, because its the big things that count... I know to back down sometimes, even when I'm right... and when I'm not?... I know not to try to convince him that I am.... I know to take things a little slower this time... get to know him better before handing him my heart, gift wrapped and packaged...

My friend asked me tonight if I thought that going through such a painful breakup would affect my next relationship... she wanted to know if I would be able to let my guard down ever again... Truthfully, if I've learned ANYTHING from this past relationship, it's that life is too fucking short... you know? My next relationship, yes...I'll be a tad more cautious... yes, I'll think things through/over a little more thoroughly, but NO, I will not hold myself back from loving, or being loved... Yes, I'm aware of how 'textbook-ish' and corny I sound right now... but it's true. I will love the next man that I call my boyfriend with as much vigor and as much intensity as I loved this past one... if not more... It just won't be 'blind love', that’s all... I won't close my eyes to the obvious, destructive flaws (NOTE the word destructive...I'm not talking about flaws like... "He leaves the toilet seat up") this time... that's the whole point of living, isn't it? To enjoy life as best we can by learning from our mistakes... no?...

ANYWAY!!! You guys get the gist… If what you have right now is important to you… take the best care of it, and never, ever, assume that it’ll be ‘ok’. If you’ve lost something important, learn from you mistakes, and move on… That’s what I’m doing…I’m slowly but surely re-tracing my steps and preparing myself for whatever the future holds for me… Yes, again with the cheesy statements… I know. It hasn’t been the best journey… and it hasn’t been the easiest…I’m learning with every step though… every step, no matter how freaking little… I’m learning. I’m loving it, and I truthfully cannot wait to see what I find at the end of it.