Accepting Change... Finally.

I posted this one a day after... I truthfully think though, that this was the turning point for me... I don't know what happened that night, but it was the first time that I 'really' felt like everything could and would be okay. I felt like even though I didn't fully understand everything in my life, I was fine with things... It felt good to post.

Originally Posted on December 3rd, 2oo6.

Does anyone wonder where logic and common sense go after a break up? Do you ever do things that make you sit down and question your sanity? I’ve done things (and sometimes still do) that make me wonder if something is wrong somewhere, and if all my ‘faculties’ are working right. This is what my break up has reduced me to; A self doubting, self loathing (sometimes), clingy, whiny, needy, constantly sobbing mess, and I want the old me back OH so bad.

I was listening to Beyonce's song 'Irreplaceable' last night on my way home from work, and as I listened to her belt out the words "I can have another you by tomorrow, so don't you ever for a minute get to thinking... you're irreplaceable", I started wondering just how possible a thing that is... you know? To have someone in your life that's so special, yet so ... dispensable. Is that almost like a paradox or an oxymoron? Is it possible to call something 'special', and yet possess the ability to toss it without a second thought when you want to? Don't get me wrong, I don't think people are irreplaceable... at least, not all people. There 'are' those certain very special people in your life who are just not meant to be replaced; regardless of what, how, or why it happens... For me? That person'd be my son. Definitely irreplaceable, you know? No doubt, no question.

Anyway, her song got me thinking about my current situation. I've been broken up from my boyfriend for 2 months now. It's now the 3rd day in December, so we're going into our third month of being broken up... As I listened to her song, I initially started to sing along because of the 'catchiness' of the tune, you know? It's got this nice, upbeat, tempo; and she's got that nice, sultry voice with which she sings those words with 'just enough' feeling and determination to get 'you' thinking YOU mean her words... does that even make sense? I hope so... It made sense in my head.

So I'm belting out the words in my car, snapping my fingers, and swinging my neck... you know, singing with attitude. Imagining the look on the 'ex's face as I assured him that his replacement would be in his very spot by the next day... then the song ended and a 'Belden Jewelers' commercial came on. Well, that sort of did it for me. Apparently, my ex is not as replaceable as I'd like him to be because I broke down crying. I wasn't sobbing or anything...just sort of crying softly, and to those of you who don't know (which in this case, would be pretty much anyone reading this), that's a HUGE step up from a couple of weeks ago.

My ex is not irreplaceable. I know this... I just currently lack the conviction, strength, and will power to actually accept this little but extremely important fact. There are good days and bad days. Some days, I wake up and everything is just fine. I'm able to get up when my alarm goes off, I'm chirpy and happy as I get my son ready for school... At work, I'm pumped, getting shit done, getting shit done 'ON TIME', chatting with the co-workers... all of that. On those days, when he crosses my mind, my thoughts are along the lines of "I can't wait to move on, he was SUCH bad news! I'm glad that's behind me... It feels good to finally stop crying"... you get the picture. The bad days however... *sigh*. The alarm goes off and I don't even want to open my eyes. When I do, it's to the realization that it's another day, and I'm going to have to face a full 12 or more hours of 'effective functioning' feeling like crap... When I'm finally able to drag my body out of bed, I'm heading straight for my phone to check for missed calls, and the lack of any sinks me even lower... Work is a drag because I can't seem to get anything done. I'm checking my mail and phone constantly, I'm thinking up reasons to email him, I'm heading into the bathroom to go bawl every couple of minutes... it's quite bad and pathetic, really.

So who are those people? Those people in the movies, the TV shows, the music videos that we watch everyday? The ones that get over their exes in record time? You know what I'm talking about... You've seen the movies. They're in relationships for years, and then they break up. Their close friends decide after 2 weeks (at the very most) that it's time to stop moping and 'move on'. They're treated to dinners at expensive restaurants, or 'days out' at the local, luxury spa... you know? Then what happens? They 'accidentally' bump into character that’ll be the new love of their lives... Their 'one'... They always seem to move on so effortlessly and quickly too, you know? I guess it helps that the new 'love' is usually a much improved version of the ex, you know? Taller... blonder (or in some cases, completely opposite color hair)...better job... more sensitive...more 'in tune'... that kind of thing.

How about the ways they meet? Don't you just love that? I know I do... they'll like 'bump' into each other, or catch a brief but powerful glimpse of each other from across a roomful of people.. You know. That kind of thing. Nice. It makes for 'tingles' in my stomach, and hope in my heart... lol. I know that sounds corny as all hell, but hey... I'm a girl, and I can dream. I haven't been treated to dinner or a night out at the spa yet. I haven't bumped into the future love of my life at a crowded supermarket or store. I haven't glimpsed him in a roomful of strangers yet either.... Actually, my life has remained perfectly normal. Nothing new, nothing exciting, nothing fun. I still miss the ex, I still cry, I still ponder the 'what ifs' over and over in my head.

That’s something else I don't get... the 'what ifs'. See, I'd understand it if this ex I've been referring to was this wonderful, incredible person who I let slip through my fingers by committing some terribly wrong, unforgivable deed, you know? He isn't.... and that's not the bitterness or anger speaking. He wasn't a very nice person. He could be when he wanted to, but most times, he was just this really, really, mean, spiteful, selfish, person, you know? He did some pretty hurtful mean things to me, and if I were watching 'my' story on TV, I'd probably yell out names at my character the very minute I started to miss him (his character)... I'd shake my head, and wonder out loud why some women choose to be treated like crap... That kind of thing. You'd probably say the same too... If you knew the whole story.

I don't know... I don't understand it. It's almost beyond my control. I sit here telling myself I'm going to do 'this' or do 'that', but instead, I'm calling him, or checking my email a million and one times to see if he's written. The tears. Well, I do have to admit that it's gotten a little better lately... I guess the tear ducts can only secrete so much fluid before they either quit or go on strike... I don't cry as often or as much as I did about a month ago.... A month ago (Heck, a week ago!), everything and anything would reduce me to tears. You know, I'd read all these 'Steps to getting over a broken heart' articles online, and they'd ALWAYS say how the 'broken hearted' has to give herself/himself time to mourn the relationship. You're told that it's ok to cry because you've lost something special/dear to you, and you miss it (even if the relationship was not the best one). Tears are actually welcome, they say. Well I was glad to hear that I'll tell you, because I was scared I was losing my mind. I didn't understand how it was possible to cry so much and so intensely about someone who treated me so dreadfully. I'd never had to deal or battle with such conflicting emotions in my whole life. I still cry now, just not as much...

How about the humiliation? Oh my goodness, the humiliation I've suffered and put myself through!!! That's another thing that was mentioned in those articles... Apparently humiliating oneself is part of the 'getting over the ex' ritual. I cringe at some of the things I've done. Calling him and begging him to think about us getting back together... Calling him and telling him about the changes 'I' was ready to make for the 'new us'... Calling him and shamelessly begging him to take me back.... Calling him and just plain sobbing about how much I miss him... how much I miss us... That kind of thing. *sigh*. Isn't that just freaking amazing? 'Me' begging 'him' to come back. Him. This same guy, who in all the years we were together, betrayed my trust and loyalty in every single way that he could. The things that he did and the things that I stayed for... My goodness, I could write an entire book about the crap that I've been through... WHY THE HECK THEN, AM I BEGGING HIM TO COME BACK???!!! I ended the freaking relationship! I finally decided that my self esteem and heart had taken too much of a beating, and I didn't want to have to deal with that anymore! It was 'my' call! *sigh*. The human mind never ceases to amaze me.

*sigh*. So I'm taking things a day at a time. Eventually, my heart will catch up with my brain, and they’ll be in sync.... Logic will seep through all these walls and curtains of sentiments, memories, and emotions that dictate my thoughts and actions... If that makes any sense. I'm getting there. I can feel it... I'm almost there... I can see where I need to be on the horizon. I just wish I could get there sooner, you know?